Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
