Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
