my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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