Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
i think i just lost a toe
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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