I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
