i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
