Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
