Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Sober January is a disaster.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize