Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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