What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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