I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
well, you know. whores of a feather.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
