I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
