Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
