I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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