don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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