so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
