Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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