Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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