i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize