I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
