My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
