HIV tests are more positive than that guy
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
