paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
