we have officially lost it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
