He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
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