im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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