I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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