I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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