Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
