I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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