is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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