Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
