So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
