If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
