Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
