you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
