Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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