I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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