i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
