Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
