Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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