Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
