I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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