make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize