Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
