it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
