i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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