I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
