Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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