I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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