Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize