I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
what is it with giant penises always finding me
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
