But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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