did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
