I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
