just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
