He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
