i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
