she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
