Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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