How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
