My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
