Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
