she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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