Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
