He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Dignity is for republicans.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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